Today we are excited because I have a post from Andrew White a featured publisher of Loveawake.com – an Alaska-based dating site. He is a recognized expert on love, marriage and relationships and he is amazing. He beautifully explains the REAL difference between chemistry and love in this insightful article. We hope you learn more and enjoy the reading as we did.
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If you hear yourself saying to your friends: ‘We have great chemistry’…do not pass go.
Instead stop, look and listen.
In the last few weeks I have had several conversations with some of my clients (who are single women over 40) about the importance of chemistry with men you meet.
If I were to ask you on a scale of 1 to 10, (10 being high) how you would rank chemistry as being important when meeting and dating a guy… what would you say?
If you’re like most women you would probably rank it pretty high on the scale.
So, what I’m about to tell you may be shocking to some and not acceptable to others.
But please keep reading to see if you may want to change your perspective on chemistry.
Chemistry vs Love?
Here is the reality…chemistry is over rated big time. In fact chemistry gets in the way of meeting Mr. Right and can put you on the track to meeting the ‘wrong men’.
So Suzy… are you trying to tell me that if a guy is not attractive to me I should not let that stand in the way of dating him?
Similar Link: How to Impress a Woman on First Date?
Is that the question that just popped in your mind?
My answer is…Yes and No.
If you are repulsed by a man because he’s obese or has rotten teeth or poor grooming habits and smells or whatever…that’s obviously a No answer… that will not work.
However, if you meet a man who is physically acceptable (meaning not repulsive) who treats you with respect, and appears to have values that you respect…and from first blush seems like a nice guy but you don’t feel much chemistry… than the answer is Yes.
Don’t let the lack of chemistry stop you from getting to know this man.
Here’s the thing that you must understand. Chemistry is not about love. Chemistry loses its ‘punch’ (so to speak) at some point in any relationship and now you’re left with the reality of who this man is without the chemistry. Most often he’s not the man that is best suited to you; In fact usually he’s the wrong man for you.
When you get to know a man first as a friend and you begin to value him as a trustworthy guy who has your back and is a support system to you, it’s at that point you have the beginnings of a ‘real love’ relationship.
True authentic love is based on something way better than what you know as chemistry.
In the case of true love the attraction factor is a soul to soul connection. This trumps chemistry hands down. It means you both enter into the relationship without needing something from each other to complete you in some way.
You leave your old baggage at the door and show up as a woman who most importantly has self love… which allows you to fully engage in a healthy, loving relationship. That is when you realize you are with your soul mate.
True love is about being perfectly okay with your partner’s individuality even when you disagree about something. In a mature relationship you learn to negotiate with each other when you need to come to a mutual decision. You accept him for exactly who he is and he accepts you in the same way.
When you are with the man best suited to you, there is total trust that this man has your best interest at heart. It’s a deep love that has the capacity to go through the hard times and in fact it’s those difficult times that actually deepen the relationship.
And when you’re with your true love…the good times are magical! You feel more alive and vibrant than you have ever even imagined for yourself.
Read More: Approaches to Differentiate the Love Tips for Long-Lasting Relationship
YES, men like this do exist…you just need to learn how and where to find them.
Here’s where the rubber hits the road…
If you base a relationship on how much chemistry exists between you and him, than you will be blinded as to the real factors that you must-have for a successful relationship.
The glue that holds a soulmate-based relationship together is the body, mind and soul connection that you have with your partner. That’s the chemistry (so to speak) of authentic love… versus love based on the infatuation that is the result of a chemistry-based relationship.
So now you know…not only is chemistry over rated…but it is not a good predictor of he’s ‘The One.’
As a woman over 40 who is serious about finding your soul mate… remember real love is not an emotion like chemistry… it’s much deeper than that.
In the context of relationships, chemistry is a simple 'emotion'[1] that two people get when they share a special connection. It is the impulse making one think 'I need to see this [other] person again' - that feeling of 'we click'.[2] It is very early in one's relationship that they can intuitively work out whether they have positive or negative chemistry.[3]
Definition[edit]
While the actual definition of chemistry, its components, and its manifestations are fairly vague, this is a well documented concept. Some people describe chemistry in metaphorical terms, such as 'like peanut butter and jelly', or 'like a performance'.[4] It can be described in the terms of mutual feelings - 'a connection, a bond or common feeling between two people', or as a chemical process - '[it] stimulates love or sexual attraction...brain chemicals are definitely involved'.[3] While chemistry has been described as 'that romantic spark between [two people]', the term 'spark' in the context of relationships is as vague as 'chemistry', and therefore is not particularly useful in a definition.[1] It has also been described as 'intangible, unspoken [and] energetic'.[5] A common misconception is that chemistry is an unconscious decision, informed by a complex blend of criteria.[2] But in reality, chemistry is not a decision at all but a profound emotional connection between individuals that they can sense and feel on a deeper level.
Some of the core components of chemistry are: 'non-judgment, similarity, mystery, attraction, mutual trust, and effortless communication'.[3] Chemistry can be described as the combination of 'love, lust, infatuation, and a desire to be involved intimately with someone'.[2]
Research suggests that 'not everyone experiences chemistry', and that 'chemistry occurred most often between people who are down-to-earth and sincere'. This is because 'if a person is comfortable with themselves, they are better able to express their true self to the world, which makes it easier to get to know them...even if perspectives on important matters differed.' Sharing similarities is also deemed essential to chemistry as 'feeling understood is essential to forming relational bonds.'[3]
Types[edit]
In general terms, there are 3 main types of chemistry, which are defined in terms of the nature of the rapport between the respective people:[6]
- Good chemistry – good rapport
- No chemistry – find it hard to create rapport
- Bad chemistry – have no rapport, or have negative rapport
The various manifestations of chemistry are: sexual chemistry, romantic chemistry, emotional chemistry, activity chemistry, team performance chemistry, creative chemistry, intellectual chemistry, and empowerment chemistry'.[6]
Symptoms[edit]
There are various psychological, physical and emotional symptoms of having good chemistry with another person. It has been described as a 'combination of basic psychological arousal combined with a feeling of pleasure'. The nervous system gets aroused, causing one to get adrenaline in the form of 'rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, and sensations of excitement that are often similar to sensations associated with danger'. Other physical symptoms include 'blood pressure go[ing] up a little, the skin...flush[ing], the face and ears...turn[ing] red and...[a] feeling of weakness in the knees'. However, all these symptoms vary on an individual basis, and not all individuals may experience the same symptoms. One can feel a sense of obsession over the other person, longing for 'the day [when they return] to that person'. One can also uncontrollably smile whenever thinking about the other person.[3]
Synthesis[edit]
There is some debate over whether one can artificially create chemistry if they are 'not initially feeling it'. While some people hold that it is something that you 'can't learn and can't teach...[and you] either have...or you don't', others hold that chemistry is a process rather than a moment, 'build[ing] up and adds up and eventually you get this kind of chemical bonding'. Some people, while believing it is possible to artificially create chemistry, think that it is better to let chemistry hit them spontaneously.[3]
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Consequences[edit]
In Western Society, chemistry is generally considered the 'igniter [and] catalyst for the relationship', i.e., without this chemistry, there can be no relationship.[3] Having chemistry 'can be the difference between a relationship being romantic or platonic'. Chemistry 'can cause people to act sexually impulsively or unwisely'. It can also be the difference between someone remaining faithful in their relationship, and seeking one night stands and affairs.[1]
Importance to relationship satisfaction[edit]
Dating coach Evan Marc Katz suggests that 'chemistry is one of the most misleading indicators of a future relationship. Chemistry predicts nothing but chemistry.' This is because chemistry can make people blind to actual incompatibilities or warning signs. Psychologist Laurie Betito notes that arranged marriages actually do quite well in terms of relationship satisfaction, and this is because 'a spark can build based on what you have in common. You can grow into love, but you grow out of lust.'[7]
Neil Clark Warren argues that physical chemistry is important because 'couples who don't share strong chemistry may have additional problems during the ups and downs of a life together.' Like Betito, he suggests not ruling someone out on the first date due to lack of chemistry. 'But,' he adds, 'if by the second or third date you don’t feel a strong inclination to kiss the other person, be near him, or hold his hand, you’re probably never going to feel it.'[8] Although this quote assumes the other person is male, the truth of the matter is that the other person may instead be female. April Masini likewise says that chemistry is a strong predictor of relationship success. She suggests that chemistry comes and goes, and it's important to actively cultivate it because it can help couples deal with future conflicts.[9]
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References[edit]
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- ^ abcBaldwin, Elizabeth (November 21, 2007). 'Spark of Chemistry in a Romantic Relationship: Organic or Developed?'. Archived from the original on August 5, 2013. Retrieved September 11, 2012.
- ^ abcNeumann, Kimberly Dawn. 'How Much Does Chemistry Count?'. Retrieved September 11, 2012.
- ^ abcdefgCampbell, Kelly. 'More Than Chemistry'. Retrieved September 11, 2012.
- ^'What's the Definition of Chemistry in a Relationship – Is it Love?'. 2009-11-26. Retrieved September 11, 2012.
- ^'The 3 C's of Relationship: Chemistry, Compatibility & Commitment'. Archived from the original on March 7, 2012. Retrieved September 11, 2012.
- ^ abLivingwell, Joy (June 9, 2010). 'Relationship chemistry: What is it? How does it work?'. Retrieved September 11, 2012.
- ^Johnston, Susan. 'No Spark? Give It Another Chance!'. Happen Magazine. Retrieved 30 May 2014.
- ^Warren, Neil Clark. 'How long should I wait for chemistry?'. eHarmony Advice. Retrieved 30 May 2014.
- ^Mandell, Judy. 'Does Chemistry Equal Relationship Compatibility?'. Happen Magazine. Retrieved 30 May 2014.