We think it's best when conversations are between people who are interested in each other. However, on OkCupid (unlike other sites) you have the opportunity to send an introduction to someone before they've liked you. This means when they first see you, they'll see your full profile and your introduction at the same time, which is a great way to pique their interest.
How to send that first introduction to someone:
1. Like them
- From Discover, drag their photo to the right or click the heart icon.
- From Questions, visit their profile, and click/tap the Like button to bring up the message button.
- If you Like each other, we'll always let both of you know for FREE right away.
On OkCupid, you’re more than just a photo. You have stories to tell, and passions to share, and things to talk about that are more interesting than the weather. Get noticed for who you are, not what you look like. Because you deserve what dating deserves: better. By clicking Join, you agree to our Terms. OkCupid Profile “About Me” #5: Things I am not. Using emojis for the OkCupid profile prompt “Things I am not” is the perfect chance to reveal your sassy side. Emojis can be interpreted in many different ways, so describing yourself with them in your OkCupid profile will lead to follow-up questions in your chat. Conversation by proximity This can be a great way to jump start a conversation, if you happen to be close to the person you want to introduce yourself to (close physically or in situation). If you do find yourself in place where this might work, just make some seemingly-intelligent or humorous remark about whatever situation you find yourself. Express yourself in your profile prompts. Add explanations to Match Questions for maximum wordage. When you introduce yourself to someone else, your message will show up on your profile/Discover card along with the rest of your info. That way, when they're deciding whether to Like you or not, they're taking your awesome message into account at.
2. Visit their profile and send a message
To view the profiles that you've liked, who haven't liked you back yet, you can navigate to Likes > Matches > People you like (under the mutual matches section).
Once you've liked someone, you'll see a 'message' button on their profile. Click to compose an introductory message and send! Please note: You can only send one initial message, so make it a good one!
If the other person hasn't liked you yet, you won't see their profile (or your sent message) until they like you back. This is so you don't waste your time on people you've already reached out to.
Introduce Yourself For Okcupid Free
3. Wait for their response
Once you've messaged someone, your intro will go to their Intros tab. We'll also add you to their Discover queue, and let them know you sent an Intro! We always make sure people who have sent Intros get moved towards the front of Discover.
The person you've reached out to can visit your profile to view the Intro you sent them, along with the rest of their profile.
If they're interested in you, they can Like you back. This will move your message to the 'conversations' page for both of you, so you can write to each other any time. You'll also get a notification that they wrote to you and Liked your profile.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I HAVE to like someone to message them?
Yes, you do have to Like someone to send them a message. We want conversations to be only between people who are interested in each other, so you have to Like someone before messaging them.
Please note that if someone messages you, and you’re not interested in them, there is no expectation on our end that you tell people that you’re not interested. You can just pass on the profile and move on. They will not be told that you Passed on their profile. They also will not see your profile again on the site, and you won't see them, so it won't be awkward.
If you’d prefer to tell someone in a message that you're not interested, that’s fine! But you would have to work within the messaging system, which means liking someone before messaging them.
I don't see the 'Intros' feature on my account, where is it?
Check out all-new SuperLikes here.
If you still need help, you can email a friendly human.
Reddit (especially r/okcupid) is a great resource if you’re looking for a sounding board, feedback, or advice around dating on OkCupid.
Since the subreddit has existed, however, tons of ground has been covered. And the same questions come up over and over again.
The OkCupid Reddit wiki tries to capture the best of these questions and answers but can be a bit unweildly itself.
Here’s what believe to be the top 3 best-of-the-best advice from Reddit OkCupid.
#1) Reddit’s OkCupid Self-Summary Advice
Introduce Yourself For Okcupid Questions
DO
Do try writing this section last. Use the freestyle nature of this section to fill in anything you feel you didn’t get the chance to say in the rest of your profile.
Do focus on who you /are/. The things you /like/ and the things you /do/ belong in other sections. What is it these things are supposed to tell us about your character?
Edit weekly.
DON’T
Don’t say you suck at self-summaries. Lots of people dislike trying to summarize their complicated personality into a couple of paragraphs in a way they’re comfortable with. You probably don’t want to be lumped in with lots of people.
Don’t portray negativity or entitlement! This is supposed to be the hook to your profile and coming off as either of those will turn away tons of viewers. Nobody wants to be around a stuck up little brat.
Don’t write out your whole goddamned life story.
#2) Reddit’s OkCupid First Message Advice
DO
- Keep it light.
- Be interesting in the first 100 characters. This is important because the introduction is visible before the message is even opened.
- Keep it short. 2-4 sentences is an acceptable length. Be aware that you’re not the only message in their inbox, and lengthy messages can get skimmed or skipped.
- Show interest in getting to know them vs. smalltalk
- Demonstrate that you’ve read their profile
- Attempt to ask a question they haven’t heard before. If not, dive a bit deeper into a topic they probably get quite often.
- Use correct spelling, grammar and punctuation.
- Imagine yourself talking to this person in real life. Don’t write anything you wouldn’t say to their face. Don’t write anything that sounds too obvious or stupid.
- Only initiate conversations you WANT to have. Don’t ask someone about his/her interest in a topic just because (s)he’s cute. If nothing interests you personally, let it go.
DON’T
- Write just “hi, hello, hey there, etc.” and expect to get a response. /u/Lachryman says, “I say ‘Hey’ to my coworkers every morning. I’m not trying to date any of them.“
- Copy/paste. For the love of all that is wonderful in this world, please put forth some effort if you’re trying to find someone to be with.
- Say “why don’t you have a BF/GF? You’re too attractive to be single.”
- Send any kind of first message that you wouldn’t feel comfortable saying to someone in public.
- Spend a bunch of time to introduce yourself, tell your life story, or explain why you don’t think the person will message you back.
- Mention how attractive you think he/she is in an opening message.
- Open all possible topics of conversation or ask lots of questions in one question. Let the conversation flow and ask new questions in a lull.
- Invest too heavily in a profile or message. It will hurt more if they never respond.
- Be afraid to ask me out during our first or second message.
- Speak in slang, memes, ol’ timey, or anything that isn’t who you are.
- Give a fuck.
- Mention sex for a while.
- Neg, belittle, or clearly offend. (For those that don’t know, negging is the practice of offering a backhanded compliment through a method of a borderline insult, or “Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of another individual so they might be more vulnerable to your advances and seek your approval.”)
#3) Reddit’s OkCupid Profile Photo Advice
DO
From our very own /u/mattheikkila’s OKCuTips: “Your first photo should either show how attractive you can be, or be interesting enough to compel those you’re interested in to click on it when it’s a little 60×60 pixel thumbnail. Picking an odd, silly, weird, or goofy picture is probably not the best choice. I personally will click on a profile only if there is a reasonable chance that they’re attractive, and I do this for 3 reasons: 1 is to save time, 2 is because it’s a dating site and I’m only going to consider someone I find attractive, and 3 is because I don’t want to unnecessarily give the message that I may be interested (by showing up in their visitor list) if I’m definitely not. Usually a face shot with good lighting, no bathroom shots, or self shots if you can help it. Also, you can help it. Do you have one friend? Do you or they have a camera or a camera phone?
Your second and third photos should be flattering, and one of the three should be a full body shot, because there’s no point in dealing with the embarrassment of finding out one of you even accidentally misrepresented what you look like in person.”
Your first picture is the most important piece of the profile puzzle. It’s the first thing people see when searching profiles, and can be the make-or-break decision in less than five seconds of someone knowing of your existence. So, DO pick your absolute best picture! It must have great lighting, great composure, high resolution, and most importantly your best features being the most prominent eye-catcher in the picture. Also, when cropping, make sure to capture that essence because your thumbnail is your representative on the site.
DO have a few pictures alone, and a few with other people. Having lots of one and very few of the other will give bad impressions of either being too anti-social and difficult to mesh with your match’s friends, or too clung to your friends and activities to have time for a partner.
Do show variety. Different places, different times, different moods, different atmospheres, different poses and different facial expressions will do more to show how multi-faceted of a person you are than any amount of words you type out describing it.
Psst… Want girls or guys to 😍😍😍 at your OkCupid profile?
Test your OkCupid pics on Photofeeler.
Photofeeler tells you how you’re coming across in pics — if you look attractive, smart, trustworthy, fun, confident, and more.
You could ask r/OkCupid for feedback, but statistically, the handful of opinions you’ll get is very scant. Further, someone on Reddit OkCupid might say you look “bad” in one picture or “better” in another. But how often do you find out why a photo is good or bad?
What if none of your pictures are doing you justice? Most people (men especially) use pics that don’t do them justice at all. What they need is some hard data and real guidance for how to do better.
Answer? Test all your pics on Photofeeler. Choosing profile pics this way has been known to increase matches on Tinder by 200-400%.